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Living Two Lives : Married to a Man and in
Love With a Woman
In 1979 Joanne Fleisher was leading the life of the average suburban wife and
mother. That is, until she fell in love with a female friend and her world was
turned on its side. In Living Two Lives Fleisher draws on her experiences, as
well as readers of her Ask Joanne advice column (www.classicdykes.com ), to create a guide
for women grappling with the difficult process of coming out while being married
to a man.
Married women are a huge but invisible part of the lesbian population, often
falling between the cracks of available resources. This book is a welcome tool
to guide them out of isolation and into rich, rewarding lives.
It was the beginning of Joanne's coming-out journey, filled with confusion,
excitement, and fear. Eighteen months later, Joanne decided to leave her husband
She and her husband worked out an amicable divorce with shared custody of the
children.
In 1979, few people were talking about those women who were married to men
and yet seriously questioning their choices. She developed a career that would
address many of her unmet needs of that time.
Joanne's Web site (www.lavendervisions.com) describes her programs and offers resources. She moderates and provides expertise on a message board called "Ask Joanne" (http://members3boardhost.com/Ask_Joanne/),
on which she offers advice to women who are married to men and attracted to women. Today Joanne is in a 26 year relationship with a woman and has recently become a grandparent.
If you are a married woman discovering your attraction to women, you are
probably confused, upset, and excited all at the same time. You are not alone.
I've traveled this path, and so have the many women who have contacted me
through my therapy practice and the Internet. Many people believe that "coming out" is the process of disclosing your gay
or lesbian sexual orientation to someone else. That it is. However, the most
fundamental step in this process is coming out to yourself. Most women who
contact me don't know whether they are gay, bisexual, or just having an isolated
experience. This book will help you understand the meaning of your attractions
and how to proceed with your exploration. It will also provide important
information to the people who care about you-spouses, girlfriends, family
members, and involved professionals. I was in my early thirties, married with two young children, when I fell in
love with a woman. In 1978, people didn't have computers with access to the
Internet and chat rooms; there were no organizations to offer guidance. I had to
go through this alone. My experience of dramatic upheaval is the basis for my
commitment to helping other women find their way.
Excerpt from Chapter 5 "Managing the Roller Coaster"
Lies and Deception
The majority of women I have counseled have not been dishonest with their
husbands prior to their sexual awakening. Yet most women in this transition find
themselves caught up in a web of deceit, either lying or omitting the truth. You
may find that your dishonesty undermines your personal values, spiritual
beliefs, and, ultimately, self-esteem.
Lying requires a lot of energy-you must remember what you have said and learn
how to lie convincingly. When you feel guilty, it is difficult to be convincing
about the things you're trying to hide. The resulting stress can push you to
your breaking point. Many women unconsciously leave clues around that suggest an
underlying desire to have the truth uncovered. They may forget to delete an
e-mail message from a lover or leave their personal journal around, inviting the
scrutiny of a curious or suspicious husband. The upheaval comes when husbands
discover an affair or some other deception. This puts you back on the roller
coaster, with new levels of highs and lows. Everyone involved, including your
girlfriend, goes into crisis mode Discovery usually initiates reactive anger and
tears, demands, promises, and broken promises. When you have no one to talk to, your thoughts and feelings tend to become
circular and unresolved. It is natural to wait until you find the right words to
explain what you feel. However, you should question whether your silence is a
means of avoiding feelings of fear or shame.
Excerpts from Chapter 5 "Managing the Roller Coaster"
KNOW YOUR FEELINGS Fear
Are you afraid to move in any direction? If you have tried
something new or made a small decision and then found yourself retreating, even
regressing, fear is guiding you. When you allow yourself to stay with the
free-floating fear, you will uncover the specific concerns that need your
attention. This is not easy to do, because people often develop coping
mechanisms that shut off or avoid fear. These defenses include constant
activity, addictions, and focus on other people to the exclusion of yourself. I
know I sometimes work long hours, watch television or grab something to eat when
I am upset. Make your own list of ways that you avoid your fears.
There are days when I say to myself, "It's time to move forward," and that scares the hell out of me. Then I ask myself, what really deep down scares me the most? Is it being alone, or the financial insecurity that will mean a serious lifestyle change? Or that my kids might shut me out, my husband will not only be hurt but damaged forever, the hometown gossip, or that the traditions and family dynamics will change drastically?
--- Betty
April 15, 2007
Buy the book at
 For more information, email the director Joanne Fleisher, LCSW |
"Joanne Fleisher has created something unique, filled with kindness,
wisdom, practicality, honesty, and resourcefulness." 
In
1978, Joanne Fleisher was married with two little girls, ages seven and nine,
and living a comfortable suburban life. She discovered her attraction to another
woman and her world turned topsy turvy.